The waiting. While certainly not the worst part about this entire experience it was painful. I understood from what the agent had said they essentially would be doing their own entire investigation. Good for digging up anything we hadn't already, not good for Haven or anyone holding their breath about formal charges. However, we were assigned a case number, an online portal to receive updates on the case, as well as a brand-new to us Department of Justice Victim Coordinator. It felt like things were finally in motion, but that feeling would quickly stall out once again.
The FBI agent met with and interviewed me and various members of the organization. He took our statements, and I shared with him all of the same information and then some that I had shared with the Fargo Police Department. To his credit, at this point in August of 2022 he had said very clearly to me, "don't expect anything to happen before the end of the year". It was a tough comment, but I appreciated the transparency. The agent would also find more fraudulent activity that we hadn't before been aware of. There was a car rental in Hollywood, CA as well as over a $1000 charge to Ticketmaster. I had hoped he would be able to track down the cryptocurrency she had purchased, but he had said it was long gone and the channels to investigate it, since it was newer, were just not in place. The agent did do his work investigating Kayla's story of Hope though. His opinion was that if she was lying about all of this, there was likely much more she had lied about in the past. His ability to subpoena records must have been greater since he was able to retrieve information that documented Kayla Sorum had never been seen or treated for a pregnancy of any gestation at any time at either medical system in our area. For peace of mind, at least for Drew, this was critical to know. It felt like a kindness that we were given that information, because now I could stop dragging myself over it and trying to come up with a logical explanation for her story. Regardless of what she had said, ever, at the minimum most of it was a lie. At that point I could stop feeling bad about what maybe had happened to her, because it didn't. All the things she had said just weren't real. She didn't get pregnant with a miracle baby during a cancer treatment. She wasn't rushed to the hospital by an Uber in the middle of the night. She didn't have a placental abruption that risked her life and took her baby's life. Her friends were not in the room sobbing next to her as she held her daughter. Her brother wasn't there, and neither was Drew. It just never happened. The times Kayla and I would go back and forth about how we both had PTSD visiting the downtown hospital location, or seeing our delivering doctors again, or walking down the baby aisle at Target, none of it was real. She was mirroring my and other mother's experiences to craft her own, and really we made it easy for her. We so easily shared very personal and deep feelings with her because we thought she was empathizing with us. We thought she had this innate understanding of the horrors of child loss, and so we felt safe sharing those details with her. It's heartbreaking that we were pouring our souls out to a brick wall.
When the holidays came and went, and we were long into January I began reaching out to our victim coordinator for updates. She was an incredibly kind woman who took both my emails and my phone calls with professionalism and grace. She would take my concerns or questions, bring them to the agent, and report back with any updates. At times she would listen as I would break down in tears. I would claim it was over the frustration of the pace of the investigation, but really it was emotional exhaustion. Since the moment Kayla Sorum was proven to me what she was, I emotionally boarded a rollercoaster. Not like one of those nice ones at Disney with VR and a couple very expensive thrills. More like that rickety thing that is usually broken down at ValleyFair and gives you casual whiplash when it isn't. It was like that. One moment I would be encouraged by a kind word from someone who understood the situation, another moment it was another unpaid bill from the depths of Kayla's email that showed up. Then a successful fundraising event followed by yet another accounting issue that would require time and money to rectify. All because I put my trust into this person to run the operations of our organization. I took it as my punishment. I took on the shame and the fault for not seeing it, and not verifying what she was telling me. It embarrassed me to go back out into the founder/entrepreneur community that I had been a part of since 2017. I felt like I didn't deserve to be among the mentors I had learned from or the people I had mentored along the way. Every time I mentioned "Haven", a short look of confusion would befall their faces after I said we "support parents following the loss of a child". Then I would clarify "we used to be Hopeful Heart Project". "Oh....OH!" they would say. Their eyes would get big, and their voices would get small, and they would want to know all the details. None of which I could give of course. Not without affecting the case, I thought. So I nodded along, and said something would be coming. Because I had been told so many times at this point that something would be.
Beyond the shame I felt among the professional community, I began doubting myself in my personal relationships as well. In a lot of ways, not shared in this blog, I am a very lucky woman. Surrounding me are some of the most incredible individuals I could hope to ever know, let alone call friends and family. These people are the people that ask how your day is and actually care to hear the answer. They are the text in the middle of the night, throw all your plans out the window, die hard hype friends. But even among the best of the best, I found myself shrinking. I shrunk down my once proud shoulders in conversation when talking about the organization I was still doing my best to run. I would falter whenever talking about Henry because I wondered if others would ever now question my son's existence and our experience. I would feel guilt for my ignorance in recognizing what might have been right in front of me. All of these things would continue on a loop in my head during one simple 30 second introduction of "Hey, this is my friend Jen." I guarantee there were countless times I just stared blankly back at their face and asked "Sorry, what did you say your name was?" because I couldn't stop the negative thoughts of self blame. And on it went like that for a time that felt like years. Every social situation became excruciating. Not because of the people present, but because of what I had swirling around in my own head that didn't allow me to be completely present in any situation. So, when I had this woman's ear, this victim coordinator, I was desperate to have her hear me. I wanted her to understand there was more at stake here than just the financial ruin we were headed for. Perhaps she could advocate for us, and me, and move this process along.
The thing is, that Kayla wrecked us. She wrecked not just me, but the other women she victimized. She preyed off of a group of already traumatized individuals in order to gain their trust and then steal from them. The good news is that we as a group have already learned how to find connection through shared trauma. Together we have navigated this the best we could and offered comfort and support to one another on an entirely different kind of loss. Therefore, the wreckage would not be permanent. There have been times we have laughed so hard we were in tears, and then slid right into to tears of sorrow for the years we had been misled and the damage to the organization we all held dear. We have had long conversations about the "why" of what she did. Perhaps it started out simple to get some attention from an ex-boyfriend she wanted back in her life, and then maybe didn't realize how far it would go. But, to what end would a person think it would go?
By summer of 2023 we were told to expect something by the fall of 2023. Our victim coordinator indicated we should consider getting our statements together as well as preparing press releases so we would be prepared when the charges were filed. This was finally happening. We would finally see Kayla held accountable for what she had done.
Fall came and it went. I sent emails and inquiries and was determined to serve as the squeaky wheel in the US Attorney's offices. By this time our charitable donations had dipped and met an incredibly high rent increase facing us for 2024. It meant something was going to have to change significantly to keep the mission going. These were the concerns I brought to the victim coordinator as we faced the possibility of closing down. All the time this had taken had only exacerbated the problems. In my mind a swift investigation, charges in Cass County and even a plea agreement would have eased the minds of corporate and individual donors. Many donors felt unsettled by the length of the investigation, and felt that while it proceeded, they would hold off on pledging any further funds. It was understandable. If I had been on the outside looking in, I might have felt the same way. Through it all though, the investigators, both victim coordinators, and attorneys all requested we be patient. They encouraged us that our time to share our experience would come, and we would be able to eventually face Kayla in court and make a statement. Until then though, patience.
On October 27th 2023 I reached out to the attorney assigned to our case via email, Matthew Greenley the Assistant United States Attorney for the District of North Dakota. I shared with him my concerns about our financial trials following the crimes by Kayla, and also shared personally that I was concerned about the ashes I believed she still had that belonged to Henry. His first response back to me was swift, and indicated I should speak with the victim coordinator, but I would have a chance to talk to him directly about the case if I would like. After a phone discussion with the coordinator on October 30th I was told that the attorney was reviewing, and charges would likely be forthcoming.
Thankfully, but also regrettably in December of 2023 we reached an agreement with the owner of our rental space to terminate our lease. We moved out of the space that had become Haven's home by January 31st. Many of the items we kept for events were placed into plastic tubs and moved into a simple storage unit. A friend offered some shelf space to hold the Healing Gift materials, and I resumed where I had once started - working from coffee shops and my living room. While removing the stress of that monthly payment was a relief, it was also sad. To see the beautiful space empty out and combined into a well packed 5 x 5 locker space was pretty demoralizing. In my mind I had failed. I failed to run this organization successfully. Never mind the general cards stacked against me from the beginning - I felt I should have been able to will it all to work. No one would tell you it's easy to run a nonprofit, especially a nonprofit focused on a topic most of the world would prefer to pretend didn't exist. It's not a simple mission because it isn't tangible to everyone. We are not giving lunches to kids, or coats to unhoused, or building churches. What we are doing has value though, and I would categorize it as basic human need. Because connection with others is a basic human need. The need to have community, friendship, and support from like-minded people in a difficult time of life is invaluable. It is the reason I can say I'm functioning and living a life I am proud of even after my son died. To see it start to crumble piece by piece has been hollowing.
In January of 2024 I received my quarterly automated email from the Department of Justice to tell me there were not updates to our case. It was deeply disheartening, and so again I reached out to the victim coordinator to voice my concerns. The coordinator responded with a phone call after following up with Matthew Greenley. She told me that the US Attorneys Office was preparing to seek a pretrial diversion agreement with Kayla Sorum and her attorney. Since I had never heard the term, she explained it to me and I followed that up with research of my own. I have linked it here.
Essentially Pretrial Diversion was created to ease the burden of the criminal justice system for offenders who could benefit from a "second chance" and also who have the ability to possibly correct their behavior in the future by way of probation. I will say here very loudly and very clearly, I do not agree with this determination of Kayla Sorum. I do not believe she has the ability to change her behaviors, as they had been ongoing for years. I do not believe she has any intent to follow through on a path that makes amends financially or personally to anyone she has ever hurt. I say this confidently because a question we all receive so often is "have you heard from her?" The answer for all of us, is absolutely not ever. She has never once showed an ounce of remorse or guilt about what she has done, and in fact has only cast HERSELF as the victim in this situation. It made me absolutely furious when I heard that Kayla would not be formally charged for her crimes, and also that means none of what she did will go on a permanent record. She would instead be placed on an 18 month probation where she would agree to pay $1000 a month to Haven for restitution. Following the 18 months the arrangement would be complete, and any consideration of charges would be dropped.
I had questions. I was so angry at this point, and I remember I once again broke down crying to this woman on the phone. They do not pay her enough. I asked about all the promises that we would get our moment to have our statements heard we had been given over and over - what about the impact statements you had told us to prepare?! At that point she actually encouraged me not to formally write anyone or submit any statements as they would need to go into the official record. I literally scratched my head at this comment, because why wouldn't I want that statement included? This is the truth, what we have is truth among all of her lies. A few days later I received word we should in fact write our victim impact statements and submit them to the following individuals. She indicated that the diversion agreement was subject to review from a probation office to be sure Kayla would fit the program. Our letters of impact perhaps could make a difference. As we knew already, Kayla's lies about a stillbirth would not be included in any kind of charge, agreement, or consideration.
Attorney Matthew Greenley
The Victim Coordinator
Bobby Wiseman - a US Probation and Pretrial Services Office
I rallied the parents who I knew would want to write their thoughts and told them where to send the letters as instructed. What was returned was just another hit to the families already afflicted with so much.
While I do understand the logic behind what the attorney is arguing, I absolutely do not agree with it personally. It certainly is clear also that our experiences as victims did not matter to anyone in the US Attorney's Office. The opportunity to speak with Matthew Greenly was never presented to me personally, and his only response to my victim impact statement was this,
"Yesterday I sent the signed pretrial diversion agreement to the Judge for approval. If the Judge signs the agreement, we will let you know."
Of course, no one let me know. I had asked if anyone could provide me with information about what was included in this document and who was signing it, and what it meant for the organization. He provided me with bullet notes including the 18 month probation time, with the agreement to pay $76,202 to Haven in increments of $1000. Her employment must be approved by her probation officer and of course a reminder to me that her pregnancy would absolutely not be a condition in any capacity because it has the risk of re-traumatizing a mother.
Ok, yes, we are all gasping at that comment. I did too. Now, I will also say here very clearly that I would also never accuse a person of lying about a miscarriage. It would be impossible to do so considering so many women experience them and some aren't even always aware of it. I reiterated to him my sentiment on this and will here as well that I am simply saying that her story and Hope do not exist in the way she is claiming. There is a shocking amount of evidence that says this, and none that argues otherwise. Those are truths. I asked for real truth from Kayla many times, and she only spun more lies. If she had experienced a miscarriage and not a stillbirth as she claimed, I gave her a safe space to share that with me, and she didn't. So she herself has also NOT claimed she had a miscarriage.
At the end of it Matthew and I did not see eye to eye, and he made it very clear he was not interested in communicating further. The pretrial diversion agreement was signed on February 16th, 2024 by Kayla Sorum, her attorney Adam Justinger with SW&L Attorneys, Bobby Wiseman, and Assistant US Attorney Matthew Greenley. You might notice as I did she retained the same law firm to represent her that she also used the organization's funds to pay for originally back in 2021. After an 18 month probation period, it is my understanding the rest of the funds would still be required to be paid, but the document does not clearly state how that process works. Since no one has ever communicated with Haven on this agreement's details, it remains to be seen how the organization will continue collecting restitution payments once the 18 months are complete. Haven received its first payment of $1000 in late June of 2024, and a second payment of $1000 in early August of 2024. As I am writing today, August 2024, these are the only payments received thus far. Kayla is also required to have her employment approved by her assigned probation officer, as well as any change of address or employment status.
With my last ounce I had still hoped that Cass County might bring their own charges. If the US Attorney's Office had their hands tied to only federal offenses related to banks and institutions, surely our local attorneys would not allow Kayla to simply walk away from the crimes she committed. I would be wrong again. I reached out to their offices late March of 2024 to inquire and share my frustration with the federal outcome. While the response was actually kindly worded from State's Attorney Kim Hegvik, it was again a disappointment. Their response was that financial crimes are hard to prove, and there aren't enough resources. She claimed Kayla's lawyer, if found guilty would get her record sealed after 5 years anyway preventing someone from protecting themselves from her. There were several reasons offered why justice would not be served in this case. However in the years we have waited for it, we have watched countless individuals be arrested and charged with thefts ranging from $1,200 just recently, and $8,000 theft from a large local bank in town. It is impossible not to feel like we simply are not important enough for them to make the effort. We are not a big bank or corporation with any kind of political weight, or even a "popular" nonprofit. It's hard not to come up with conspiracies that might exist that prevent us from seeing justice here. I know people will disagree with my comments, and that is ok. Maybe I have become a bit more radical through this process - I would believe anyone would. I'm exhausted of the fight for what is right, and the lack of accountability that has persisted inexplicably. As for the items Kayla has that don't belong to her, they are sorry for that too. That's it. They are sorry. I am to live with the likelihood that this woman is in possession of my son's ashes, and other family's mementos of their babies. We are all supposed to go on our way and pretend to be fine with that. There are no consequences to these actions. That is the lesson here. Steal from people, steal from a hospital, steal from a nonprofit and as long as you get a good lawyer and agree to pay it back, it won't even go on your record! Abhorrent.
If only we could rest easy that her employment must be approved, we might all feel a little better about the lack of a criminal record. As we know, she has been employed by many families as a nanny, and I have been told that she is currently providing nanny services to a family in the Minneapolis area. Considering none of this is of public or criminal record, that family would have no way of knowing who they are entrusting their children with. This is a big why that this blog exists. Beyond sharing my personal story, the trauma, and the public betrayal, it is to educate and inform so that others do not suffer the same experiences. If no one knows then the cycle continues.
For all Kayla Sorum has inflicted on this community - I wish that she was sorry for it, but I doubt any of us would ever hear those words. Because as this has gone on, the amount of people who have reached out from her past to share stories, lies, and trauma she has caused them has been shocking. Not one of them have received so much as a see you later when they were not useful to her any longer. I wish that she was different. I wish that she had been the person she portrayed because I did like that person, and for a while we all mourned what we thought was a real friendship. But friendship shouldn't be heavy in the way it was with her. It shouldn't be based on feelings of guilt or expectation. It should feel lighter when you are together, and that realization has been one that sticks. Kayla isn't unique in that way, and if anything, I hope you as a reader can begin to recognize people in your life that are not what they say they are, and who may simply see you as a convenience or worse, a target. I have removed people from my life before, and after educating myself on people with these behaviors and started finding ways to recognize it, I have added to that list. This isn't to say these people are capable of what Kayla did, but its more an understanding that they don't value people who are not of some use to them. That is a slippery slope, and I would like to remain as far away from sliding from here on out.
Importantly, for all of the donors and families Kayla has defrauded, I am so sorry. For those that shared your deepest secrets, your births and deaths of your children, and countless hours hurting for Kayla and Hope, you deserved better. You are kind and good individuals who trusted easily and led with your hearts, and that doesn't make you gullible. It makes you deeply empathetic and human. Whether you handed money to her or your baby - it was not your fault. Her scheme was perfectly crafted to lure you into that decision, and anyone else would have done the same. I will tell you I personally did my absolute best to seek justice for all of you during the past 3 years. I wished this all would have gone differently; started differently. You were all victims of this person and deserve so much more than what our system has offered you.
As all of this has unfolded, Haven has remained dedicated to supporting families following loss. Healing Gifts continue to be shipped out all around our region, it continues to hold healing events when able, and there will always be a network and a community of support of other loss parents who do simply get it. Haven exists through all of this to continue this mission and is honored by the love and support that has remained steadfast.
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